My Depression Journal
1. Waking Up
It feels like there’s so much to do, it feels like there’s so much I don’t want to do.
The best and the worst type of morning.
It feels comfortable though, because I know even some normal people are sleeping through the rain, not just me, the troublesome one.
Period day has the same effect for wake up struggle.
2. Do not want to work
Every problem seems like they have no solutions, every problem surfaced seems like it is already dead end.
And 90% of all job, is to solve problems for your company.
Being more active at night
After the sun sets, the world seems brighter.
Knowing that everyone else is going to call it a day, I feel more relaxed and is able to get more productive.
3. Strong urge to express
A constant urge to talk to somebody.
To share, to listen, to feel listened, to gather attention, etc…
Always wanted people to know what an interesting day I had
It’s about wanting friends, but don’t want to socialise.
I am so afraid of judgement.
When I believe the one sitting in front of me is judgemental, I cannot be myself.
I tell lies to mould myself into the desired disposition. And I tell more lies to keep on pretending. Then it stresses me out when they are going to question my honesty one day.
I have disturbed sleep pattern every night.
Blessed me I am easy to fall asleep, but most night around 2am -3am, I will be awake by unpleasant nightmares.
Nightmare, bad dreams, is happening every night. I was trying to achieve lucid dreams, but it was easier said then do.
Grieving the nightmare
I often wake up and remember the nightmare storyline – someone I care had died, someone I care is dying, mishap at work, apocalypse, I killed someone, I’m being kill by someone, war… I have so many war nightmares.
And the sweet one – someone who passed away came back alive in my dream
I couldn’t help and grieve on the nightmare and dreams. Grief on something that isn’t real and engulfed by the emotion, feeling cold and desire to be wrapped in my thick comforter.
5. Dreading in the past
A constant self reminder of past events. Mistakes done when I was younger, the consequences it caused, the wrong decisions, and things I could’ve done better.
6. Want to “look busy”
I don’t want to be the sad one who stays at home on a Friday night or weekends.
I started tutoring piano and English classes years ago.
I made myself so busy i barely have time for myself.
7. Sudden panic attacks
An abrupt chilling sensation and increase heart beat. You know when it comes, but there’s nothing much I can do except waiting for it to go away.
Parents are my emotional roller coaster. When they are sick, I feel helpless and depressed.
My parents are not very healthy and they don’t have health insurance. My grandma is 11 years on wheelchair, a father who been through amputation and following complications.
9. I don’t believe this is depression
While having some symptoms that made me sound like depression, I have other qualities that is the right opposite of it.
That’s why I always feel that I am just, pure lazy.
I do not have the widespread apathy among other depression patient.
There are still many relaxing activities that I enjoy.
1. I exercise a lot
This might be the only activity that keeps me sane.
I work out regularly.
I go to Yoga class or the gym at least once a week.
Also there are golf, gym, piano practice, and recently, hiking trails that make me remain moving.
2. Get help
I had stepped out and underwent therapy sessions both online and going to local clinics.
My first ever therapy was booked through fiver.com. Search psychology and numerous result popped out.
In the end i settled with Dr SC, the session was amazing. From the first half and hour, i felt so much was lifted from my shoulder. Unfortunately it was hard to arrange session with Dr SC because we were far apart not only in terms of location, also our time zone.
I had to have a session during midnight, which I had several failed attempt to wake up.
After I had a few session at Fiver.com, I decided to reach for help from somebody local instead.
Thrive well is charging me RM200 for every 60 minutes.