My Depression Journal
1. Waking Up
It feels like there’s so much to do, it feels like there’s so much I don’t want to do.
The best and the worst type of morning.
It feels comfortable though, because I know even some normal people are sleeping through the rain, not just me, the troublesome one.
Period day has the same effect for wake up struggle.
2. Do not want to work
Every problem seems like they have no solutions, every problem surfaced seems like it is already dead end.
And 90% of all job, is to solve problems for your company.
Being more active at night
After the sun sets, the world seems brighter.
Knowing that everyone else is going to call it a day, I feel more relaxed and is able to get more productive.
3. Strong urge to express
A constant urge to talk to somebody.
To share, to listen, to feel listened, to gather attention, etc…
Always wanted people to know what an interesting day I had
It’s about wanting friends, but don’t want to socialise.
I am so afraid of judgement.
When I believe the one sitting in front of me is judgemental, I cannot be myself.
I tell lies to mould myself into the desired disposition. And I tell more lies to keep on pretending. Then it stresses me out when they are going to question my honesty one day.
I have disturbed sleep pattern every night.
Blessed me I am easy to fall asleep, but every night around 2pm -3pm, I will be awake by unpleasant nightmares.
Nightmare, bad dreams, is happening every night. I was trying to achieve lucid dreams, but it was easier said then do.
There’s even nightmare where I’m having nightmare inside the nightmare.
5. Dreading in the past
A constant self reminder of past events. Mistakes done when I was younger, the consequences it caused, the wrong decisions, and things I could’ve done better.
6. Want to “look busy”
I don’t want to be the sad one who stays at home on a Friday night or weekends. That’s why I took up the tuition job.
7. Sudden panic attacks
An abrupt chillness and increase heart beat. You know when it comes, but there’s nothing much I can do except waiting for it to go away.
Parents are my emotional roller coaster. When they are sick, I feel helpless and depressed.
And my parents are not very healthy. My grandma is 11 years on wheelchair, a father who been through amputation and following complications.
This might be the only activity that keeps me sane.
I work out regularly.
I go to Yoga class at least 2 times a week.
Also there are golf, gym, piano practice, and recently, hiking trails that make me remain moving.
Hopefully these routines will bring me to brightness someday.