I see a psycologist because I hate my own mom.

When I hit 30 years old, I decided it’s time for a change. I made my first ever counselling appointment. I want to meet a professional psycologist, because I was tired of hating my own mother.

Part 1: I don’t like my own mom

Part 3: I don’t like my mom, and how i dealt with it

After a few price check, I found out that psycologist are charging around RM400 (ringgit Malaysia) per hour. That is far beyond my budget, so I checked out fiverr.com instead.

I picked one that has a good review, and the first session cost only RM75.

I explained briefly of my situation and our appointment was set 3 days after the payment.

The first question Dr C had for me was, to describe my mom with 5 words that first comes into my mind. So I replied, selfish, self-centered, frugal, controlling, hurtful. She then asked me to described my dad in 5 words too.

Through the conversation, I couldn’t help and kept painting my mom as the worse person you’ll ever met, I also portrayed myself as a helpless victim. I was totally aware of that, but I couldn’t help, it’s the first time I can pour my heart to someone, without consequences.

1. I feel like it’s the first time ever, I was heard, properly.

I hardly share my hard feelings with anyone else, except my dad.

Why I prefer not to share with friends:

1. I don’t want this to be heard as complains
2. I don’t want to play victim
3. If I share my feelings, my friend might judge my mom, which is not fair for her. Even if I don’t like her, she didn’t deserve that.
4. Let’s face it, I had talked about it with my friends, sometimes in tears of fury. The most common responses I got was: “She’s your mom, just man up and bear with it”. It’s really not something I want to hear when I’m in fragile mood.
5. However I want to deliver the abuse story, it all sounds the same to me. Even myself as the speaker is bored, its just the same story that happened again and again at different time and place.
6. I do have 2-3 friends who are having a similar issue with their mom, I know they’ll understand how I feel. If I share my feelings, we’ll just be sad together. That’s why, I’d rather talk about other excited things in life.

2. Dr C did not judge

To my surprise, Dr C, she agrees that, my mom has her own issues and she can be hurtful towards me. But very soon she steers my focus away from my mom, instead she wants me to focus on myself and what goal I wanted for this mother-daughter relationship

3. Mother-daughter relationships are the closest of all relationships, good or bad.

This is something I was never told about. In Chinese culture, no mother was ever bad. There were only ungrateful daughters. It’s simply wrong to defy our parents.

3. She speaks comforting words

• You are not your mom – remember that.
• Your mom seems pretty insense and people might find it hard to get along with her

4. She gives clear directions

• Expressing how you feel, not by blaming her or calling her selfish, just by telling her how you feel

• What kind of relationship do you want with your mom?

5. She makes me believe, there’s hope after all

At the end of the session, Dr C made me believe it’s not too late at all to save things. In fact its just the beginning.

I see a psycologist because I hate my own mom